August Angst

Dear Cheese Curls,

There is a lot that I need to update ya'll on! As you may have seen, I have accepted my Southern identity by eating hoards of hot fries and starting to say "ya'll". Ebonics, yo! And better yet, I have decided to join NSBE, the National Society of Black Engineers! It is time to assume a new identity, and as Meg Jay, PhD, says, create identity value. Is it because I care less because I'm in Richmond, a city where mediocre food is considered gourmet and infrastructural negligence historical? Perhaps. On the other hand, maybe this is just the perfect time and environment in which I can feel comfortable exploring myself, without worrying about the reactions of others?

This post was pre-empted by something very out of the ordinary (or maybe not) that occurred last night. I have already been irked all this summer by the sheer ignorance of (mostly young) people in Richmond to other cultures, in my situation, of Asian descent. Every time my roommate Lil' Goat and I have been out at night, we have been stopped by men and women alike to ask where we are from, and inevitably need to explain that the inquirer's Japanese friend is NOT THE SAME as our Chinese heritage. When three guys came to hit on us and we casually ignored them, they vocally expressed that we probably just didn't understand English. Now, posing as an international exchange student with little knowledge of American culture can be positive in certain situations, such as butting front of line, asking stupid questions, dumpster diving, talking loudly or interrupting in inappropriate situations, etc., but under those circumstances I am only joking and having a good time (or trying to get out of a sticky situation). However, after last night, I am beginning to think that my jokes are only a reflection of a sad truth that still exists in this city.

Lil' Goat and I decided to relax after a week of hard work and went out to a bar with some friends. As Lil' Goat came back from the bar with a drink, a blonde girl purposely spilled her drink on Lil' Goat and said something about Asians to her friend. Spilling drinks is not uncommon, especially in the midst of inebriation and jovialty. Typically we let these things go, but Lil' Goat was NOT satisfied letting a deliberate racist act go, so she went back to the girl and asked her to apologize. When she didn't, Lil' Goat threw her drink on the girl. Then we left to the other end of the bar, where some dude from the blonde posse decided to come and exert his influence on us, and spilled his drink on my purse.

Now, I have no idea what happened here, what I had to do with anything, or if the guy really just couldn't tell Asians apart because, as we already know, the entire group was ignorant and most likely racist. The blonde girl's brother came over to tell us to calm down, that his little sister was just drunk. I asked him that I just wanted an apology because we all do things when we are drunk, and this act just so happened to show a negative side of his little precious sister, but what the heck did I have to do with his friend spilling his drink? He claimed to not know the person, and was not going to apologize on behalf of anyone.

I am an American. I was born in the United States, and I am of Chinese descent, but I date an American guy, go to an American school, and have succeeded in a system that has historically been against immigrants. Padre has always told me to not participate in organizations in high school because he thought they would never cast an Asian girl like me in an American play, or choose me to represent an American school. I never paid heed to him; I always did well and even if I wasn't chosen as the best, I would always do well on tests where no one could see my face. In a way, the Chinese mentality of studying very hard to succeed has its merits. It is a way of succeeding based on a merit system that is fair to everyone (to a certain extent), independent of your physical looks or personality. If you work hard, you can get ahead. And this is America, a country where this value reigns supreme over everything.

Now that I'm in Richmond, I'm starting to wonder what is happening. I have never been openly discriminated against based on my looks. I have always talked to people and whatever they assume of me afterward, that is fine. But just by walking into a bar and a YOUNG PERSON spilling her drink on a Chinese person, denouncing us, is unheard of in this day and age. I hate to compare this to black discrimination, but in the end we all feel the same. Were we right we retaliate and spill our drink on her again, or should we have let it go? In the end, it's only a $5 drink...but is it better to win the battle, and lose the war? Richmond is the first city that I have lived in that I have experienced so much ignorance against Asian people (and I've lived in small suburbs in Pennsylvania, Minnesota, larger cities in Oregon and Georgia). This city has NO excuses. It is the capitol of Virginia, there are young college students here, there is industry, there is a large population of black people (so why aren't white people used to diversity?)...and yet, we still get comments on the time from people when we walk down the street. I am appalled not only by the backwards thinking here, but the fact that is is being propagated in YOUNG people. Old people, okay, they are old and grew up thinking one thing. But WHO IS TELLING YOUNG PEOPLE that these things are okay?

Besides that, cheese curls, I don't have much to share. I guess there have been some exciting things, and I have made some friends around town. But I have never felt anything toward this city. A friend told me that the first three months in any new city is always the hardest, until you are assimilated and get connected into a new network. Honestly, with the way things are going, I feel like I will still feel like an outsider even after two years.

Apart from being philosophical because I have been so depressed lately, I really just want to ask one question: is this worth it? Dealing with an advisor who is not there, an emotionally abusive work environment, in a city that lives circa 1950, apart from those you love...

"And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." Steve Jobs