August Angst

Dear Cheese Curls,

There is a lot that I need to update ya'll on! As you may have seen, I have accepted my Southern identity by eating hoards of hot fries and starting to say "ya'll". Ebonics, yo! And better yet, I have decided to join NSBE, the National Society of Black Engineers! It is time to assume a new identity, and as Meg Jay, PhD, says, create identity value. Is it because I care less because I'm in Richmond, a city where mediocre food is considered gourmet and infrastructural negligence historical? Perhaps. On the other hand, maybe this is just the perfect time and environment in which I can feel comfortable exploring myself, without worrying about the reactions of others?

This post was pre-empted by something very out of the ordinary (or maybe not) that occurred last night. I have already been irked all this summer by the sheer ignorance of (mostly young) people in Richmond to other cultures, in my situation, of Asian descent. Every time my roommate Lil' Goat and I have been out at night, we have been stopped by men and women alike to ask where we are from, and inevitably need to explain that the inquirer's Japanese friend is NOT THE SAME as our Chinese heritage. When three guys came to hit on us and we casually ignored them, they vocally expressed that we probably just didn't understand English. Now, posing as an international exchange student with little knowledge of American culture can be positive in certain situations, such as butting front of line, asking stupid questions, dumpster diving, talking loudly or interrupting in inappropriate situations, etc., but under those circumstances I am only joking and having a good time (or trying to get out of a sticky situation). However, after last night, I am beginning to think that my jokes are only a reflection of a sad truth that still exists in this city.

Lil' Goat and I decided to relax after a week of hard work and went out to a bar with some friends. As Lil' Goat came back from the bar with a drink, a blonde girl purposely spilled her drink on Lil' Goat and said something about Asians to her friend. Spilling drinks is not uncommon, especially in the midst of inebriation and jovialty. Typically we let these things go, but Lil' Goat was NOT satisfied letting a deliberate racist act go, so she went back to the girl and asked her to apologize. When she didn't, Lil' Goat threw her drink on the girl. Then we left to the other end of the bar, where some dude from the blonde posse decided to come and exert his influence on us, and spilled his drink on my purse.

Now, I have no idea what happened here, what I had to do with anything, or if the guy really just couldn't tell Asians apart because, as we already know, the entire group was ignorant and most likely racist. The blonde girl's brother came over to tell us to calm down, that his little sister was just drunk. I asked him that I just wanted an apology because we all do things when we are drunk, and this act just so happened to show a negative side of his little precious sister, but what the heck did I have to do with his friend spilling his drink? He claimed to not know the person, and was not going to apologize on behalf of anyone.

I am an American. I was born in the United States, and I am of Chinese descent, but I date an American guy, go to an American school, and have succeeded in a system that has historically been against immigrants. Padre has always told me to not participate in organizations in high school because he thought they would never cast an Asian girl like me in an American play, or choose me to represent an American school. I never paid heed to him; I always did well and even if I wasn't chosen as the best, I would always do well on tests where no one could see my face. In a way, the Chinese mentality of studying very hard to succeed has its merits. It is a way of succeeding based on a merit system that is fair to everyone (to a certain extent), independent of your physical looks or personality. If you work hard, you can get ahead. And this is America, a country where this value reigns supreme over everything.

Now that I'm in Richmond, I'm starting to wonder what is happening. I have never been openly discriminated against based on my looks. I have always talked to people and whatever they assume of me afterward, that is fine. But just by walking into a bar and a YOUNG PERSON spilling her drink on a Chinese person, denouncing us, is unheard of in this day and age. I hate to compare this to black discrimination, but in the end we all feel the same. Were we right we retaliate and spill our drink on her again, or should we have let it go? In the end, it's only a $5 drink...but is it better to win the battle, and lose the war? Richmond is the first city that I have lived in that I have experienced so much ignorance against Asian people (and I've lived in small suburbs in Pennsylvania, Minnesota, larger cities in Oregon and Georgia). This city has NO excuses. It is the capitol of Virginia, there are young college students here, there is industry, there is a large population of black people (so why aren't white people used to diversity?)...and yet, we still get comments on the time from people when we walk down the street. I am appalled not only by the backwards thinking here, but the fact that is is being propagated in YOUNG people. Old people, okay, they are old and grew up thinking one thing. But WHO IS TELLING YOUNG PEOPLE that these things are okay?

Besides that, cheese curls, I don't have much to share. I guess there have been some exciting things, and I have made some friends around town. But I have never felt anything toward this city. A friend told me that the first three months in any new city is always the hardest, until you are assimilated and get connected into a new network. Honestly, with the way things are going, I feel like I will still feel like an outsider even after two years.

Apart from being philosophical because I have been so depressed lately, I really just want to ask one question: is this worth it? Dealing with an advisor who is not there, an emotionally abusive work environment, in a city that lives circa 1950, apart from those you love...

"And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." Steve Jobs

AWK

Oops. I totally thought I had posted twice in May, but alas, 'twas April. So I skipped my birthday month, but I'll cut myself a break because last month I finally finished my PhD candidacy paperwork, finished classes, and moved to Richmond!

The first two are major accomplishments because it means I get to focus more on research and less on paperwork and random coursework. However, I will say that I did not realize how much I learned from those classes until after I moved to Richmond. That being said, the third item (moving to Richmond) has been quite a reverse culture shock. I should have expected something like this to happen, especially with my woes of moving to Quarryville back in high school. But I figured Richmond wouldn't be that bad (I had visited for a high school summer program before, although I didn't remember any of it...could have blocked that out...), and I would get a chance to meet some new people and get connected.

AWK aka AWKWARD, which is the new story of Panda's life. This. town. is. so. HIPSTER.

I have nothing against hipsters (okay, I have everything against them), but seriously, I have not met one SINGLE person (that isn't in my lab) that doesn't have a tattoo on some part of their body. I suppose because the university in which I am researching now is a pretty highly ranked arts university that everyone is super in touch with themselves, but I just really want to meet another intelligent, OCD person that loves Lupe Fiasco as much as I do. And speaking of hip hop, which is my newfound passion (Big K will appreciate this), along with The Boyf's recent trip to Chicago (Lupe's hometown), I have reconsidered my disdain for wind and deep dish pizzas and we may or may not have agreed to move there at some point in the unforeseen future.

So I've been here a few days more than one month. Dr. Zebra has come and recently gone, so we are now in recovery mode, which means vegetation for a few days and then stressing out and overworking to catch up. Ah, grad school. Sure beats the living daylights out of working at McKinsey, where I could have been making bank and traveling and meeting intelligent people and...wait a minute! Industry actually sounds ideal...

Let me shake some sense back into myself. It's definitely research for the next 3 years for me...so let's make it work! Our new lab space, although supes fresh and clean, is still under construction for some wiring, office space, chairs and accessories, etc. It's just slightly awkward to come into work and run a fluorescent staining protocol to the sweet sound of hammers and drills. Mmmm. Lupe would make this into a beat.

This weekend will be a fun and busy one! The Boyf and (newly graduated) Dr. Haan will be visiting. The Boyf's birthday is tomorrow, so I have made a B52 cheesecake in memory of our fondness for the similarly named delectable at Cafe Intermezzo in Atlanta. Brother Big K's birthday is on Sunday, for which I still need to get a present, and Father's Day is also on Sunday! Since I am closer to home now, I'll need to visit Padre more often. Unfortunately, it seems all the Chinatown buses are full and I may have to take (gasp) an AMERICAN ONE. Megabus is actually pretty nice, but the ticket prices for July 4th weekend (obviously) are pretty expensive. Although my alternatives (train and air) are even more so. And since when did train tickets start being so darn expensive? Weren't they supposed to invent teleportal systems by now?

Alright, it's time to go! Updates soon, my dears! For now, enjoy this extremely photoshopped photo of me and The Boyf from the future Dr. Roudi's wedding!

Oh, and I'm officially 24. AHHHHHH AWK.